Marriage

In a culture where our lives are compartmentalized, busy, and vastly over-complicated it's difficult to remember what's truly important. We don't want religion to get involved with our marriage because it would mean that maybe what we're doing isn't right or "good enough." We don't even want to approach the topic of religion because we have this disgusting taste of what it is, and more specifically what Christianity is. Don't freak out, I'm talking about marriage here not religion. It's not my purpose here to preach and condemn, however I think it's important to recognize the error in compartmentalization.

As someone who's about to get married I've been considering the topic pretty heavily. Marriage has become a joke in our society. It's something you do out of feelings, there's no real consideration of the after affects or the weight of what we're actually doing. We disconnect our brain from our hearts and don't attempt to discern whether what we're doing is actually "right." Oh, how we hate that word right. News flash: there's such a thing as right and wrong. 

Why are you getting married? 

If your answer is simply "because we love each other" then I would dare to say that it's not fully thought through. 

Marriage is a commitment to another person. You're promising to do everything in your ability to love, care for, and support that person. This means that when it comes to their mental state, emotional state, spiritual state, and physical state you have a sense of responsibility. Consider this; the age old story of the nagging wife or the husband that doesn't take interest in the condition of his wife's heart. 

Is it all the man/woman's fault when they cheat? Not just no, but hell no. 

Yeah, that's controversial and anyone reading this probably wants to slap me across the face. However, even if it's a issue of a person putting on an act before the wedding to capture their "better half" then there's still the question of whether or not it was truly thought out. 

Here's something I should explain: It is my strong belief that the heart and mind aren't the only tools we ought to use in deciding whether marriage is right or wrong, there is also the spirit. I believe in the God of the Bible. I believe in Christ, His death and resurrection. I believe in the Holy Spirit and His work in the willing life.  

When approaching a marriage with a sound mind and spirit it's vital that both parties pray concerning their decision. I'm fine with anyone who disagrees with me and to be clear the divorce rate is the same in the church as it is outside of it, but I think it a strong injustice not to even consider the spiritual side of a marriage and the commitment therein. 

My thoughts here are extremely scattered and I might delete this in coming days, but I've been thinking about this for a while so i had to get it out.

Rose Colored Glasses

I'm sure you can guess by the title what this blog is going to be about. But wait! It's unconventional. It's weird. It's oddly comfortable and yet pushes me to be better. It's a strange mix of everything I always said I'd never want and everything I've always dreamed of.
That's right; it's my relationship.
First of all it needs be said: I'm everything but idealistic. So in case you were afraid that this was going to be just another teenage girl moment of severe oozing I'd like to put you at ease: it's not.
The fact is that I over think practically everything. Consider this: I thought about getting my current hairstyle for two years. I considered my first tattoo design for one year before actually getting it. So it's fair to say that I'm not impulsive.
God is first in my life. He's the first that knows everything. He's the one I ask about my decisions. He's the first I talk to immediately after realizing a mistake. Therefore it's also fair to say that I'm not without conviction.
I'm the sort of person that before asking your opinion on anything I know my opinion. Before I ask "what do you think?" I already know what I think. So yes, I am obstinate and stubborn. However, it protects me from caring so much about other peoples opinions that I allow their approval to govern my actions.
Now that I've spent a moment in preface let me get to my point: I've actually fallen for someone. This coming from the woman who didn't date all through high school because I couldn't stand the immaturity of the guys in my bubble of conversation.
I realized this morning that I was wearing rose colored glasses. I had been sitting in a car for an hour and half and I looked at the sky and thought "God, that is so beautiful."
I now believe that rose colored glasses in the right tint allow us to see the world as it was meant to be in a sense. I can remember when I first encountered Christ. I haven't seen things the same since that moment.
Now I've found someone who might very well be the man God planned for me to be with and I've gotten a deeper pinkish hue to my glasses. What a beautiful world we're living in!
However I am not naive. There are people throughout this world suffering. There are people in anguish not only physically but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The worse part is they're not all an ocean's distance away. Some are my neighbors; my friends; my family; people whom I love. My life is first about Christ and second about people. Before marriage and after marriage that will be my life and my calling: love God, love people. -Agape

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time everything was black and white: now I have an entire color scheme staring me in the face. I used to be an A-B student: now I have failed two tests consecutively in the same class. Friends used to share their lives with me and I would share mine with them: now we just "visit." Life once felt too routine: now it feels like one big chunk of chaos fell on top of my head and I'm struggling to grapple with it. I fell in love with a friend and was happy to be so: he told me I was like a sister to him.
Change....it's either evil or wonderful. It all depends on how you look at it. The way I see it; it's necessary, so why see it as evil? Sometimes it hurts worse then it does other times.
I used to let my emotions control me: now I've decided that regardless of all this, I will hold fast to joy. I have something that I'm striving toward. There's a plan that's laid out for my life and it's what I want to see come to life. In the eye of the storm, I will find calm. In the desert I know where to find everlasting water. For any foolishness I know where to find forgiveness. In the darkness, I hold onto the light of the world.
My life is not my own, so who am I to complain? This life is not about me and my intent is to allow myself to be used to show the glory of God. If the trees and flowers can do it, then how much more can I who was made in His image and blessed with a relationship with Him. Where does my hope come from? My God, my King, my Savior, my Best Friend, my Comforter, my Light, my Guide, my Meaning, my Everything.

(Note: The image isn't mine. It belongs to http://outwardlyupward.deviantart.com/ )

The Ugly Side

Today I felt the green monster in me come out. My mouth was zipped (for once) and I said nothing. Instead, every other part of my being screamed out in anger. Right in the middle of this fit, I thought of how much I hated feeling this way. I was driving to my parents house after church.

There are two sides of me which I wish no one would ever see. Two facets of my personality and emotional wheel which I can only hope it is possible for me to mature out of: anger and sadness. First of all, I'm not just talking about the whole being aggravated thing or turning red in the face. No, when I get angry, truly angry, it is physically painful. The worst part is that I can never talk myself out of this (and God have mercy on the poor soul who tries to talk me down.) The ability to think rationally completely evaporates and the ugliest part of my existence emerges.

As I was thinking about all this I realized that I would prefer to be sad instead of angry. Let me explain:

When I am angry I say things that I later regret. When provoked to the end of my wits I get more sarcastic and more destructive in my speech. I snap, especially to those who I want least to hurt. As I said before, I hate this part of me. Not only do I say witty insults, but I also act impulsively on my anger. It is usually by the grace of God however that I generally walk away. Not always though.

When I am sad I get quiet. I become inactive. I turn into a shadow version of myself who is hollow. Basically, a zombie or an emotional wreck depending on what it is that causes the sadness. Regardless of what the cause is however I become closed off. Generally I don't hurt anyone with my words, nor do I in action.

To put it all in general terms: I would rather be sad because then at least I don't act wrongly.

Then I got to thinking. . . . Isn't inaction always the wrong action. Even in His worst moments, in the moments when He felt the deepest betrayal and pain possible: Christ was never inactive. He might have been silent, but His actions spoke in volumes.

This brings me back to the conclusion that both of these pieces of me are bad. In both states I am destructive, whether by doing something or doing nothing. I think the most important thing to do in either situation though is to tell God about it. Seriously, sometimes telling Him why I am so ticked is actually better than anything else. He has the best listening ear ever, and when I ask He has a tendency to help me out. Then when I am sad He helps me cope. So many times when I have felt myself begin to hollow out, He pours into me and in the worst circumstances gives me the strength to keep moving.

In Between

I think the teenage years are part of the curse. Seriously, when you consider them they must be. Not to mention that the last few years of teenage-hood are extremely confusing. The law of man says that we're adults, as do our hormones, but everyone above the age of 30 looks as us as though we are wee children who have yet to learn the "big lessons" of life. We are deemed (generally) as immature, ill-prepared, and unorganized.
For the past few months I have been stepping into a new, foreign stage of life. I work between 25-35 hours a week, attend church once a week, and have a 15 credit semester in college. I live in my own apartment (which praise God I am able to pay for.) I see a trend beginning where my time is no longer about people, but about responsibility. That sentence alone verifies that I am not a child anymore.
I take advice from my parents and make my own decisions based on what they and others that I trust have said. I follow God as well as I can. I fail constantly, but by the grace of God I find myself able to stand up again.
Sometimes I wish I could be a child again, but then I remember the foolish impatience I experienced at the thought of becoming "an adult." That impatience is ridiculous and sadly a huge part of our culture. By the age of twelve most children are anxious for middle school and high school are over so that they can be free to do as they please. The only downfall of the end of those years is the reality that smacks you in the face soon after. The "big" decisions are no longer what to wear, or what to bring for lunch, or whether to be friends with that person but rather they are should I work here, will we be able to stay friends regardless of everything, and can I afford this? That's of course with taking a love-life out of the picture.
All I have to say is how in the world do people make it without God? I had already given up when He found me, I can't imagine having made it even this far were it not for Him. There's nothing else that keeps me going other than knowing He's planned today for me. Knowing that He's going to help me walk through it whether it be through fire or valley or ocean, helps me get out of bed in the morning. The sunshine isn't bright enough to make me smile in the morning. The stars don't sparkle brightly enough to make me feel safe at night and there's nothing about the moon that helps me appreciate light: unless God is a factor. When I remember that He spoke the sun and the moon and the stars into being and sustains them, yet still loves me even though an not so bright as them, I am in awe. I smile because of Him. I feel safe knowing that He's with me always and I am humbled by His majestic, wonderful light.

True Friends

Lately I've been thinking about what being a senior means. It means that in a little over seven months, I won't sit where I sit now. I won't be in the same state. I won't be around any of the people I'm around right now. I'll be learning new things. I'll be entering a new chapter in my life, and I'll probably be scared and excited just like I am now.
The most striking thought though, is that the faces I've seen almost every day for three and half years won't be there anymore. The friend's whose names are forged on my heart and whose faces have been etched into my mind, will be at their own colleges. We'll be experiencing a phase in our life that's overtly prominent...apart. We won't be able to walk into the room and display in horrible theatrics our previous night. We won't be eating lunch together, checking math answers, worshiping together. That part of graduating, that part of growing up is agonizing. It sounds extremely foolish but the friendships that we've been building ever since high school started are much deeper than the average high school friendship.
I was talking to one of these friends the other night and she said, "I know it sounds weird, but I can't imagine having my first kid without you being there. Or getting married." I feel the same about her. I said that if either of us weren't there for the other than we had full permission to track the other down. I fully understand that these relationships will continue. They won't end once we walk across the stage and receive our diplomas, or even when we walk down the aisle. But, it will never be like it is now. Change is part of time, I know. That doesn't make it any less painful and any more easier.
One thing is for certain: I'm better for knowing them. Even if it were to end, I'm better. It sounds corny and nostalgic but it's very true. One in particular was very much so a Godsend in helping me come to Christ. They've helped me with discipline, kindness, gentleness, love, hope. These are the key friends, the ones who have helped me in my walk in Christ the most. They've been right beside me: motivating. Calling out the best in me. Encouraging me when I was tempted to quit. Speaking truth and reminding me of my core values. Helping me to achieve my greatest potential. Telling me what God called me to be and what I might yet become. Challenging me to grow, and then celebrating with me when I do. Helping me shoulder the burdens that life has thrown my way. They have showed me what real friendship is, unselfish, loving, Christlike friendship.
This all has been in the forefront of my mind for the past month or so and after being stuck in my house due to snow for the past five days, I decided to write about it.

Love....

I read a quote the other day:
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about
it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you
don't risk everything, your risk even more." -Erica Jong
It really got me to thinking...How many of us who truly know the love of Christ actually live this way? Do we live like this amazing love, this love that transcends time and space, is worth fighting and risking everything we can possibly lay on the table? In my mind, and hopefully in my life as well, love is a huge theme. Before I came into a relationship with Christ there was such a deep lack of love within me that I only had contempt and hatred for myself and all those around me. Now I can say that I know Him, that I've come to know this awesome love, but do I fight for it? Do I risk everything for it?
I've heard so many statistics that show that we as Christians still do not understand what love is really all about. The divorce rate in the church is the same as in the world. Do we understand how much that says? I was young when my parents got divorced(they've remarried since, remarkably) and I've seen my friends' parents go through divorce. Not one person enjoyed it. The pain it causes runs down the generations.
We go into marriage not understanding love, not understanding what a marriage is, not knowing the commitment we are making. How precious are the three words we blurb off so easily to one another. Those words were meant to mean more then what we have come to believe. Today "I love you" is said as easily as "see you later", how has this happened? I understand letting people know how much you care about them, but why say it unless you understand the meaning of your words? In my case, I'm saying so much more then "I care", I'm saying "I've written your name on my heart. Your face will never leave my mind. Your words mean more to me then you could ever realize. You are precious to me. I see a side of God in you. I see what wondrous pieces of Himself that He placed in you, whether you know it or not."
I say all of this and mean every word, but regardless of how deeply the feelings may resonate within me: I am fallen. I am as far from perfect as a person can be. I make mistakes daily. As passionate as I am about the subject of love and it's importance, I am still capable of hurting. It is a painful truth, but it is what it is. All we have are the reminders of what love can be. No matter how close a husband and wife are, they will argue about something, be annoyed with one another, and find a way of hurting each other, whether intentional or not. Regardless of how close two friends may be, their friendship may end. Family can be close, but it can grow apart. I only say all this because I know and have seen what can happen.
The best part of all this is that it doesn't have to end here. The end does not have to be at the argument, or with pain. That's the point of this quote: we keep fighting for it. We keep going for love. When I hurt my friends, when I make mistakes, I realize, and I admit it and ask for forgiveness. No matter how corrupted this world can be, or a person can be, Christ still stands, so love still stands. There's no need to end in pain, no excuse.