True Friends

Lately I've been thinking about what being a senior means. It means that in a little over seven months, I won't sit where I sit now. I won't be in the same state. I won't be around any of the people I'm around right now. I'll be learning new things. I'll be entering a new chapter in my life, and I'll probably be scared and excited just like I am now.
The most striking thought though, is that the faces I've seen almost every day for three and half years won't be there anymore. The friend's whose names are forged on my heart and whose faces have been etched into my mind, will be at their own colleges. We'll be experiencing a phase in our life that's overtly prominent...apart. We won't be able to walk into the room and display in horrible theatrics our previous night. We won't be eating lunch together, checking math answers, worshiping together. That part of graduating, that part of growing up is agonizing. It sounds extremely foolish but the friendships that we've been building ever since high school started are much deeper than the average high school friendship.
I was talking to one of these friends the other night and she said, "I know it sounds weird, but I can't imagine having my first kid without you being there. Or getting married." I feel the same about her. I said that if either of us weren't there for the other than we had full permission to track the other down. I fully understand that these relationships will continue. They won't end once we walk across the stage and receive our diplomas, or even when we walk down the aisle. But, it will never be like it is now. Change is part of time, I know. That doesn't make it any less painful and any more easier.
One thing is for certain: I'm better for knowing them. Even if it were to end, I'm better. It sounds corny and nostalgic but it's very true. One in particular was very much so a Godsend in helping me come to Christ. They've helped me with discipline, kindness, gentleness, love, hope. These are the key friends, the ones who have helped me in my walk in Christ the most. They've been right beside me: motivating. Calling out the best in me. Encouraging me when I was tempted to quit. Speaking truth and reminding me of my core values. Helping me to achieve my greatest potential. Telling me what God called me to be and what I might yet become. Challenging me to grow, and then celebrating with me when I do. Helping me shoulder the burdens that life has thrown my way. They have showed me what real friendship is, unselfish, loving, Christlike friendship.
This all has been in the forefront of my mind for the past month or so and after being stuck in my house due to snow for the past five days, I decided to write about it.

Love....

I read a quote the other day:
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about
it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you
don't risk everything, your risk even more." -Erica Jong
It really got me to thinking...How many of us who truly know the love of Christ actually live this way? Do we live like this amazing love, this love that transcends time and space, is worth fighting and risking everything we can possibly lay on the table? In my mind, and hopefully in my life as well, love is a huge theme. Before I came into a relationship with Christ there was such a deep lack of love within me that I only had contempt and hatred for myself and all those around me. Now I can say that I know Him, that I've come to know this awesome love, but do I fight for it? Do I risk everything for it?
I've heard so many statistics that show that we as Christians still do not understand what love is really all about. The divorce rate in the church is the same as in the world. Do we understand how much that says? I was young when my parents got divorced(they've remarried since, remarkably) and I've seen my friends' parents go through divorce. Not one person enjoyed it. The pain it causes runs down the generations.
We go into marriage not understanding love, not understanding what a marriage is, not knowing the commitment we are making. How precious are the three words we blurb off so easily to one another. Those words were meant to mean more then what we have come to believe. Today "I love you" is said as easily as "see you later", how has this happened? I understand letting people know how much you care about them, but why say it unless you understand the meaning of your words? In my case, I'm saying so much more then "I care", I'm saying "I've written your name on my heart. Your face will never leave my mind. Your words mean more to me then you could ever realize. You are precious to me. I see a side of God in you. I see what wondrous pieces of Himself that He placed in you, whether you know it or not."
I say all of this and mean every word, but regardless of how deeply the feelings may resonate within me: I am fallen. I am as far from perfect as a person can be. I make mistakes daily. As passionate as I am about the subject of love and it's importance, I am still capable of hurting. It is a painful truth, but it is what it is. All we have are the reminders of what love can be. No matter how close a husband and wife are, they will argue about something, be annoyed with one another, and find a way of hurting each other, whether intentional or not. Regardless of how close two friends may be, their friendship may end. Family can be close, but it can grow apart. I only say all this because I know and have seen what can happen.
The best part of all this is that it doesn't have to end here. The end does not have to be at the argument, or with pain. That's the point of this quote: we keep fighting for it. We keep going for love. When I hurt my friends, when I make mistakes, I realize, and I admit it and ask for forgiveness. No matter how corrupted this world can be, or a person can be, Christ still stands, so love still stands. There's no need to end in pain, no excuse.

Beside Still Waters

Right about now I'm wishing I was somewhere like this. I don't feel overly stressed, just a little bit in awe. Where does all the time go? In this picture the water isn't moving. There's a the frozen hint of a light breeze in the tree limbs. That's what I've always loved about pictures. They have no concept of time. It's like a small window into how God views it all. Yesterday, tomorrow, today, all relative. Not to say I know how He sees it, there's a never-ending library of things such as these that I do not fully understand.
Wouldn't it be nice though: He's already sitting there, waiting for you and when you close your eyes you find yourself next to Him on the bench. I wouldn't ask Him any grand question on life, or even something less important (ex. why does honeysuckle smell so lovely but irises don't?) I would simply want to sit by Him and hold His hand. To rest in the still moment of time where there's no class tomorrow, no homework, no planning, no studying, no emotions to fight with, no fears to battle, no tendencies to dispel; just Him. There used to be a day when people did this and now I see why. It's in these moments where I have so much energy, but no focus, so much to do, but hardly any time to do so, that I desire to know what it's like to simply NOT. To no study, battle, worry, work, cry, stress, and whatever else.
Every night I like to imagine being there with Him. Sometimes it's a bench in front of a lake, sometimes a garden, sometimes by the ocean. One thing remains constant, I feel at peace. I seriously believe there's a huge difference between the spiritual peace which resides in our spirits as a result of the Holy Spirit and Christ's work in us and tranquility of simply feeling not obligation. I appreciate the first the most, for I remember what it was like not to have it at all, but I also appreciate the latter since I am after all a girl and feelings are so overwhelming many times. Well, now I'm rambling. Just wanted to get myself in a nice mindset after thinking about all the different things I need to do this week alone. We won't even mention the weeks to come. The oddest thing of it all is how I am actually enjoying myself in this all, I guess that's where the spiritual peace comes in. :D

Car Wash Jesus

We did a car wash at our school today as a fundraiser for our upcoming retreat. My friend was holding up a sign advertising what we had to offer and I was motioning toward the road to get there. We were energetic and smiling, but hardly any cars followed my direction. Only few simply ignored our existence, many waved and smiled, then continued on to their previously set destination. Standing there I started to think. Lately I've been reading a lot in books that talk on how the church has turned into more of a club then what it is suppose to be; a spreading wildfire. Have we turned into people with signs saying, "Here He is! Look, look at Him! Here He is!" And that's it?
Let me explain: imagine we had done the car wash off the side of the road. More people would be attracted. They would see what a wonderful job we were doing and desire the same clean shimmer to be on their cars. Instead of doing this we only had signs. The place where we actually washed the cars was completely out of view, how could they know what to expect? One car wash is hardly like any other.
As the church, and furthermore, as Christians have we just turned into signs? We're not showing how truly awesome and powerful this One we're "advertising" is. We keep Him out of view, thinking maybe they'll get curious. Secret clubs aren't attractive, nor are they what Christ meant for us to become. Jesus already told us to be a light, He told us that they would know us by our love (not by the sign we have on our t-shirt or car). We represent a God of transformation, not stagnation.

Music

For many music is a way of communication: the things which we cannot say with words, we say through music. The longest book of the Bible is made up mostly of songs(Psalms). Listening to one song can change our emotions or even our attitude for the entire day. I have to admit though that above all other genres, classical is my favorite. It is the ability to convey such a varied array of feelings without so much as a single word that makes this particular genre so amazing to me. In my mind what makes music so powerful is the feeling that is put into it. In a collection of notes and sounds a person displays their heart: their brokenness, their imperfections, their joy, and everything in between. Music amazes me because even in today's culture where we find it more and more difficult to be honest with one another and show who we truly are, music remains a stream of constant honesty. When we choose our favorite songs, when an artist creates their song they drop all inhibitions and show themselves unabashedly. It's a beautiful and mysterious thing. Music is incorporated into worship, I believe, not because it's about the music but because it encourages an honesty that we should have before God. In the moment where we are truly pressing into His presence and touching who He is we realize how truly small we are. We become humbled and can do nothing but sit in awe of how great He is and how blessed we are that He should love us regardless of our faults.

A different sort of beginning....

My senior year started last Thursday. The last first day of high school started with me leaving camp in Mauldin, SC, stopping by Chick-Fil-A for lunch and going on to Civics. I was extremely tired, that much I admit openly, and so had a very small tolerance that day. Therefore, when the teacher went on to discuss school policy on uniforms after arriving to class late instead of discussing what the class would actually be like I did not react in the best fashion. No, I am not a saint, and that day I proved it without a doubt. Needless to say I was glad when Bible class came at 1:50. When the second day came and the exhaustion was gone I realized a different feeling. Being in the school again was of course weird and our schedule of only half a day of high school courses was equally strange, but I also felt an extreme sense that I did not want to be there. I have, to say the least, mixed feelings about this year. I want to graduate and start my own life. I love my family, but am ready to be on my own. I love my home, but I want to see what comes next, what are God's plans. I want to see them come to pass, and yet I remind myself daily that His plans come to pass in His timing or they do not come to pass at all. On the other hand I know what is at school. I love the people at my high school, I care about my teachers as I would mentors(most). Then there are my friends. When we graduate we will indefinitely scatter and the conversations between us will soon fade. Every summer I see it happen. In two months time I will see what I would call a close friend maybe seven times. My love for them will never leave, nor will my fond memories of them and I intend to try to keep up with them, but it will not be as it was last year. I can already see that happening. Change comes. In times of change we sometimes lose things we love, and love things we never thought we'd find. It is a fact and a part of this journey. I know that regardless of what happens in the course of this year: God is the one in control. To be honest, I don't want the control. I have seen the results of me being in the drivers' seat and they are not good(I actually backed into a handicap sign the other day). I would trust this year to no one else but Him, just as I trust myself to Him.