The Ugly Side

Today I felt the green monster in me come out. My mouth was zipped (for once) and I said nothing. Instead, every other part of my being screamed out in anger. Right in the middle of this fit, I thought of how much I hated feeling this way. I was driving to my parents house after church.

There are two sides of me which I wish no one would ever see. Two facets of my personality and emotional wheel which I can only hope it is possible for me to mature out of: anger and sadness. First of all, I'm not just talking about the whole being aggravated thing or turning red in the face. No, when I get angry, truly angry, it is physically painful. The worst part is that I can never talk myself out of this (and God have mercy on the poor soul who tries to talk me down.) The ability to think rationally completely evaporates and the ugliest part of my existence emerges.

As I was thinking about all this I realized that I would prefer to be sad instead of angry. Let me explain:

When I am angry I say things that I later regret. When provoked to the end of my wits I get more sarcastic and more destructive in my speech. I snap, especially to those who I want least to hurt. As I said before, I hate this part of me. Not only do I say witty insults, but I also act impulsively on my anger. It is usually by the grace of God however that I generally walk away. Not always though.

When I am sad I get quiet. I become inactive. I turn into a shadow version of myself who is hollow. Basically, a zombie or an emotional wreck depending on what it is that causes the sadness. Regardless of what the cause is however I become closed off. Generally I don't hurt anyone with my words, nor do I in action.

To put it all in general terms: I would rather be sad because then at least I don't act wrongly.

Then I got to thinking. . . . Isn't inaction always the wrong action. Even in His worst moments, in the moments when He felt the deepest betrayal and pain possible: Christ was never inactive. He might have been silent, but His actions spoke in volumes.

This brings me back to the conclusion that both of these pieces of me are bad. In both states I am destructive, whether by doing something or doing nothing. I think the most important thing to do in either situation though is to tell God about it. Seriously, sometimes telling Him why I am so ticked is actually better than anything else. He has the best listening ear ever, and when I ask He has a tendency to help me out. Then when I am sad He helps me cope. So many times when I have felt myself begin to hollow out, He pours into me and in the worst circumstances gives me the strength to keep moving.